I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
