I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
