is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
