you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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