It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
