yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
