She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
