Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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