Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
