I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
