she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I AM VODKA MAN
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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