we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
