The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
