you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
