Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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