i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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