I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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