How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
