The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
