Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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