I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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