i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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