I'm really into asian looking animals
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize