You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
