I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
