She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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