Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
