hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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