the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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