Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
