you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
