I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
