Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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