I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I did not marry a roomba.
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