A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
