I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
