I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
