i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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