She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
