They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
