ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
