Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
