every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize