eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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