i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
