there's paper in my vomit.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I will pee on everything he values.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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