words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
