I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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