I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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