Me too!
too bad you live with your parents still
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize