but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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