I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
