And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
