Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
