how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
