you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
