Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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