Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize