im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I deserve this hangover.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
