it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
