Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
