At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
