checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
