Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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