i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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