corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
